Biff's Burgers

Never have I ever thought that I'd be at a point in my life where I thought about actually answering a phone call. But here I was on a Saturday when a friend came up on the Caller ID. He was asking me about where to get a burger. I must have reached some kind of status. Since moving to Portland, there's a few things I'm known for. Being one of the biggest purchasers of Labatt Blue in the area, the guy who is trying to make Dyngus Day an actually holiday and Portland Burger Week. With all 3 of those, I've put in the work. I have credibility.

As a kid, there's nothing better than the Christmas season. The celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Hotep Christ. That's what the "H" stands for. The older I get, the less I care about traditional holidays. That being said, I put some serious effort into this year's iteration of Portland Burger Week. Generally, someone makes a spreadsheet of all the available burgers on Reddit. This year, I was that guy. I took the previous year's Google Sheet and updated the information. I put some fancy formatting on it so you can toggle for the areas you wanted to visit. I took so much pride in it, I posted it on Reddit. Instant karma. People were asking about burgers that weren't on the list, and they just didn't fucking get it. "It's not my list." 

I began planning. Luckily, there was more than a few restaurants within walking distance that I could partake in Burger Week. My fiancée and I decided to take the bull by the horns and tackle 6 restaurants in the first day. Mind you, we weren't eating entire hamburger sandwiches. For the most part, we were splitting the offerings. Which was good, because I wanted to create a calorie deficit each day that I was participating in Burger Week. 

Day 2 was a little less ambitious. Erika and I met up with a friend and we decided to tackle things in Central Portland... which happens to be bars like Loyal Legion, Danwei Catering and Home, A Bar. Battling 80+ degree weather, we went from establishment to establishment, getting burger drunk. 

Day 3 was met with lesser zeal.  We decided to have a "burger" delivered. It was a beef shawarma "burger." Didn't really tantalize the taste buds like the previous days offerings. But, the day was redeemed when we went to something in walking distance and the burger really hit the spot. All in all, I ended the campaign with 11 burgers consumed.

Historically, I could eat 11 burgers within the first two or three days. Working in downtown Portland really gave me a leg up, but when you're doing it alone, things kind of falter. Erika had to work the remainder of Burger Week. The usual friends who would do Burger Week with me live out in the suburbs of Portland. Come the weekend, I couldn't muster the ambition to do any more. At the end of the day, it takes a lot out of you. Whether it's the financial aspect of buying 43 burgers, or not having the proper transportation to get to all of the locations, I found myself wondering if I had any more credulence. 

Going into Portland Burger Week, I tried to take a measured approach. Creating the spreadsheet was only the first part. I also ran daily and did a significant Peloton ride in order to cultivate a calorie deficit. We walked everywhere, over 5 miles a day to get these burgers. At the end of the week, I amazed myself with the amount of effort was put into Burger Week. Imagine if I took the same care the other 51 weeks of the year?

The timing of Portland Burger Week, although consistent, couldn't have come at a worse time. As I type this out, there's 22 days until I return to Buffalo. It's an important date for me, because I haven't been back in 3 years and I don't want people that I'm a fatter version of myself. My pandemic weight has shifted between 20 pounds. Not to mention that I have to have a suit tailored. It's added stress.

As per usual, I have a plan to mitigate bad decisions. I'm more than comfortable creating a false premise. Whole21 can be a thing where I abstain from beer and other foods. To get down to a certain weight, which let's be honest, no one really gives a shit about. I'm beating myself up over some made-up deadline and made-up weight that has no bearing whatsoever. I should be concerned with living a healthier lifestyle going into a vacation period. There's a plan during vacation, wherein we work out in the morning and do a hike before we have a dinner and some drinks. Which, I think is healthier. It's taking the time to be mindful of your day. At the end of the day, the most important thing to take away from all of this is that we should be mindful of the things we do. When we're mindful, I think we take everything into consideration. When we take everything into consideration, different decisions are made.

Beer Dreams, Champagne Wallet

Recently, I received an update I haven't seen in a while. Low or insufficient funds in your account. Generally speaking, I have my shit together but one common trait the Urtels do is squirrel money in different bank accounts. I suppose it's a sadistic joke my family plays when one of us dies and our money has to be rounded up for the estate. If you know me, I've become very fiscally savvy where in I utilize 0% for projects, balance transfers, and the like. Very not Dave Ramsey-like. Well, one day my one credit card that I used for a balance transfer overdrew an account I really don't use that often. I was able to transfer funds from other banks to cover the balance, but the whole thing got me thinking about a news piece that I recently saw. It discussed how Americans are switching to economy beers, which are your Pabst Blue Ribbons and Miller Lites of the world.

It goes without saying that the economy has been a roller coaster for the past 3 years for a specific reason. For a while, the common person didn't know if things were coming or going. If you received stimulus checks, the money either went to food and housing or it went to paying down debt. I had a steady job and so did my partner, so I was able to pay off credit cards. Others were not in that position and fell further into despair. This K-shaped recovery is ongoing. Some people turned to alcohol and drug use to cope with the stress of losing their jobs and way of life. In my 20s and early 30s, my personal economy was boom and bust. When times were good and I was employed, I was drinking the dankest IPAs in the USA -- as was the tradition. When times were tough and I was scrounging couches for coins, it'd be a 6er of Labatt Blue or PBR to wash down my daily 7-eleven hot dog rations. Anyone paying attention to the 2022 Q2 and Q3 earnings (as if that's any indication) and rising prices for consumer goods show that people in the economic middle and lower classes now have to mind their pints and quarts. Also, where can you buy a quart of beer?

Conversely, Diageo -- makers of Don Julio, Johnnie Walker, Casamigos, Guinness, and Smirnoff; have shown a 20% increase in "super-premium" spirits. How can this be?! Aren't we in a recession?! Well, if you look back to my last paragraph and the K-shaped recovery, there are people who aren't in dire straits. Hell, if you look at Congress's record in the stock market, they're outperforming traditional professionals. COVID has shown the greatest upward movement of wealth this country has ever seen.

As the great Tyler Durden said in Fight Club, "on a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero." Fortunate for me, I was able to pool my resources together and took care of my credit card bill. I vowed to stick to the minimalist principles that helped me when times were tough. Previously, it was mandatory minimalism wherein I didn't have the capital to spend even if I wanted to! Keeping Tyler's quote in mind, it's important to know that the wheels will come off sooner than later. The ugly truths of economic theory will rear their head. Not for the pigs who call the shots but for John Q. Sixpack. Taxes will be raised because too much money has been printed and the poor and middle class will have to pick up the tab for bureaucrats whose only aim is to appease the masses to keep the jobs where they can inside trade. I have reduced my spending and trying to limit expensive outings to the bar. I love my friends and local businesses, but I can't be spending $250 per week on 'entertainment.' If you're a long-time fan of my work, it's been an enduring process. Having the knowledge of the what and why I do things, but having the follow through to actually do it. I believe that's called the power of action.

Good luck out there my friends and may the odds be in your favor.